


Never Abandon Hope

by Active_Imagination



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: First Person, post ep ficlet for S02E09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-07
Updated: 2014-12-07
Packaged: 2018-02-28 12:58:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2733422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Active_Imagination/pseuds/Active_Imagination
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zero is Coulson's number of acceptable losses. (A S02E09... fix-it?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Abandon Hope

**Author's Note:**

> This is more of a post-episode ficlet than roleplay for S02E09 “Ye Who Enter Here”, because I know it will be jossed by the next episode, but my Coulson muse was screaming at me to fix it. I was in tears writing this, so...
> 
> Warnings: Major character... death? Suicidal intent, at the least. And spoilers for S02E09. 1st Person, present tense. My Coulson is slightly darker due to what he's experience during my roleplay, and he's very desperate, so maybe I'm warning for out of character? Please let me know if there's a warning you think I'm missing, or if you have any feedback, especially concrit.

I give the order to blow the tunnel, rationalizing that it wasn't Mack who fell, and if it was Mack he wouldn't have been able to survive the fall. I scream so loud I can hear it echo in the temple, ringing inside my own head and it does not sound like me. 

Fitz is shaking his head, in shock. He's refusing to blow the tunnel with Mack down there, even though I've assured him that that wasn't Mack. Mack would rather die than kill us, and if that tunnel isn't blown HYDRA could end up with the power to kill countless innocent lives. But people aren't statistics. 

“You can mourn him later, but right now we have a mission to do.” 

I'm about to order Fitz again when Bobbi interrupts with Intel from May. I hadn't even notice her go up top to get a better signal. Tech is getting more and scrambled the longer we stay inside the temple. As are my thoughts.

“HYDRA took Raina.” She looks at me before continuing. “And Skye.” I try not to react at that, a mere quirk of my eyes but I know Agent Morse knows I'm rattled, more than rattled. I feel as though I could destroy entire civilizations, just to get her back. Just like her father. 

“If they have Raina then they're coming here, and we can't let them activate that 0-8-4. We need to collapse the tunnel, destroy the temple.” It's a plea more than an order. As the desperation grows I'm tempted just to toss a grenade down the tunnel and get the hell out of there. I need to do something, before HYDRA wins and millions die. 

“Sir, without knowing what's down there we can't rig an explosion that will destroy it for certain.” Simmons politely reminds me, and I know that, but it's getting harder to think clearly, I just want to level the place and get out of there.

I don't believe in force, I don't believe in power, and that's why it worries me that I just want to use all the explosives we have, no matter the consequences. This is about saving lives, not taking them. 

“We can rig an explosion, with a water barrier on top and on the sides, lower it into the tunnel.” And that is an order, one which Fitz starts working on, but I know he'll stop once he remembers that Mack fell down there. “We can force the explosion down, none of the civilians will get hurt.” I'm mourning Mack too, and I think it's that heavy silence which makes Fitz understand.

“I've set the timer for ten minutes.” Fitz tells me, as Bobbi starts leading Simmons out. I watch as Fitz lowers the bomb down, too slowly. At this rate it would take ten minutes to reach the bottom. 

“Fitz.” I warn him, but I don't think he hears me. “Mack was a good man and he wouldn't want you to do this.” Fitz looks up at me like that, the way he did before, his brilliant mind damaged from the lack of oxygen. It breaks me too. “We need to get out of here.” I take the rope off of him, lowering the bomb down myself. As soon as I feel it touch the bottom I tie off the rope, and lead Fitz towards the rest of the team, to safety. 

 

Fifteen minutes later and there's still been no explosion, and HYDRA are fifteen minutes closer to getting here. Still, I refuse to send another member of my team back in there, it's too dangerous.

“Sir, we have to go back.” Morse sounds as objective as always, and for a brief moment I consider sending her in alone, she is the soldier, but that's why I need her to stay with FitzSimmons, to protect them.

“The-the-the... energy.” Fitz frustratingly tries to explain, and I promise, I'll get him all the speech therapy he needs when we get back home, but I can't replace Mack. “The-the-the dwarves”

“Sir, all tech lost power once we sent it down the tunnel.” Simmons elaborates. “Perhaps the bomb did the same, that's why it didn't detonate.” I really hope that's not the case, because that temple needs to be destroyed, and if the only way to do that is manually... 

“It should be me.” Fitz speaks up. “Who goes.”

“No!” That is not an option.

“Sir.” Morse, Simmons and Fitz all start talking, begging to be let go, begging not to let the other one go. I don't plan to let anyone go.

“No acceptable loss.” That is my motto, and I've failed it.

“That should include you too, Director Coulson.” Bobbi points out, but it never has. 

“I'm coming with you, Sir.” Now I wish Fitz was lost for words, but he's fixated on this. I know what it's like to think you've lost the man who helped to fix you, but in the end it wasn't death that separated us, merely time and circumstance. I'd be dead if it wasn't for Nick, but Fitz is still alive. “You know you need a failsafe. If the bomb doesn't work I can create a secondary charge outside the tunnel.”

“Fitz, no!” Simmons' tears fall easily, and I almost envy that of her, whilst I make a decision. 

“Agent Morse, please take Dr. Simmons to safety, reconnect with May and find Skye. Fitz and I are headed back into the temple.” Simmons sobs louder at that, but Bobbi hugs her, and leads her to safety, whilst I lead Fitz towards a danger I hoped to face alone.

“Sir, you should go back.” Fitz tries to tell me, but I'm not listening. “They still need you. You're not expendable, Sir, but--”

“Neither are you! Neither is Mack.” I snap, because I need him to understand that. “I have to go down. Bury him properly before burying this place.” It's something I have to do. I've left soldiers where they fell, and forgotten about them for years. I won't make that same mistake again. “I don't want to have to bury you, but--”

“If Mack's dead, I died with him. I don't want to go back to how I was.” I understand how that feels, but Fitz is coherent now, he really wants this, but I shouldn't have the power to give it to him. I'll come up another solution. I have to. I can't go to the grave with his death on my conscious, although I'm sure the scales are already tipped. 

Armed with glow sticks and explosives, I don't even wait for Fitz to lower me down, climbing down the rope still attached to the bomb I tied off. My hands burn as I force myself to hang on, but the pain reminds me I'm still alive, and it makes it easier to think. I keep climbing down, scared because there's no way Mack could have survived that fall, but what if what he turned into had? 

I let one of the glow sticks drop down, and it falls another ten feet before finally hitting the ground. No sign of Mack, but the radius isn't too great. I yell up, giving Fitz another chance to join the team, but he assures me that he won't leave, and reminds me that if I want out all it would take was three tugs on the rope, and then we'd find another way together. That's not an option. Together includes Mack.

I jump down the last few feet, landing with a less than graceful thump, but I protect the explosives, putting them down carefully. I pick myself up and grab the glow stick, not knowing what to expect. I find Mack's body a few feet away, but as I drop beside him I feel something start to overtake me, like a shot of adrenaline, making my nostrils flare in anger, but I push it aside to focus on Mack.

Feeling his neck for a pulse, I'm surprised when I find a faint one. I'm scared to move him, scared to hurt him further, but I need to get him out of there. 

“Mack!” I yell at him, watching his eyes flutter open. In the green luminescence, I can't tell if they're red any more, but I can feel the blood vessels in my own eyes pop, and everything starts to look red. The glow stick is blindingly bright, and I want to lash out, everything hurts, but I don't want to scream, I don't want to scare Fitz. 

If it wasn't for the aggression and pain coursing through my body, I never would have had the strength to drag Mack over to the rope, to tie a harness for him, and to tug on the rope three times. I watch as Mack is hoisted towards the darkness, and it's not until he's disappeared that I finally succumb to the pain, screaming out in agony. I can hear Mack and Fitz yelling in the distance, so I use all the agony I feel and put it into one word. 

“GO!” It's silent after that, and I can only hope that Fitz and Mack managed to clamber to safety, rejoin with the rest of the team. Fitz and Mack deserve the happy ending Nick and I could never have, and this is the only way I can give it to them. This is the only acceptable loss. 

But I don't want to die. Every fiber of my being is burning with the desire to live, even though the cost would be the rest of the world. I want to fight for Skye, crush her father's throat with my bare hands, and that terrifies me.

I haven't felt this hunger since I was bitten by Colonel America, since I slaughtered military and innocents alike, feasting upon their flesh, killing for the sake of destruction, unable to stop myself. I had no control, but I have to regain mine now. I refuse to be that mindless again. As long as there is a brain in my body, I will fight for justice and to protect others, no matter the personal pain.

It's hard to think clearly through the pain and the anger, but I manage to find my way back to the bomb, the glow light fading as I work in haste. I manage to find the two wires that need to connect to set off the explosion, but then the light goes out completely. 

My mind is full of thoughts that are not my own, but my heart remains unchanged. I am an acceptable loss: The Avengers, S.H.I.E.L.D, the family I have put together...they're not. I close my eyes, and bring the wires together, praying that this will protect people from HYDRA. 

Protecting people is all I ever wanted to do.

**Author's Note:**

> My theory is that the temple is like the Mirror of Erised and the 0-8-4 is like the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's stone. Instead of the mirror reflecting your greatest desire, something in the temple reflects all the darkness inside of you, which is why Mack warned the team to run. I believe the Obelisk let Raina hold it, because she doesn't want to cause chaos, she just wants to understand. I hope Coulson is considered worthy. Mack was a good guy. I don't want to give up on him yet.


End file.
